Monday, March 14, 2011

Not So Good Men

I had a different post planned for tonight, but then I had a conversation with one of my friends today, and that made me realize something, and I think it is very important to get it out, so here it goes:

My friend, I'll refer to her as "A", has been dating this guy for about a year now. At first they were good together, but lately he has been really distant and not keeping his promises to her. Even as simple as "I'll pick you up for lunch tomorrow." For the past few weeks, she has complained constantly about him not texting her back, making other plans and not including her, and pretty much being a jerk. I don't want to place all the blame on him though. "A" has been kind of ridiculous too, having other people talk to him and then tell her what he said, and refusing to communicate problems with him. But today, she told me his problem was because they haven't had sex.

I kind of wanted to punch him. But I don't actually punch people, so I wouldn't.

She's not the saving herself for marriage type. She's done it before, but she wanted this relationship to be different. She wanted it to be emotional, not just physical. And now he is about to break up with her over it.

This breaks my heart. As someone who is not going to have sex until I am married, I lose a little faith when I hear things like this. I can't believe someone would say, "if you don't sleep with me, I am going to break up with you, even though I know that you have been uncomfortable with the times you have had sex before, and are just not ready to have it with me, because in the end, sex ruined me and the relationship."

And it reminds me of one of the reasons I am single right now (besides the fact that I have a hard time getting over the last person I dated) and the reason is this:

A lot of men I know are not good men. When I say that, I don't mean all the men who are not good men are bad people. But they are not mature or they are controlling or they are just plain jerks to women.

It's not just the sex issue.

It's the men I know who tell women that they need to have their nails painted and nicely done all the time. Even their toes. In the middle of winter, when feet don't see the light of day.

It's the men who tell women how to dress, what they "prefer" on them.

It's the men who say women have to wear make-up, and shouldn't have a sweatpants day.

It's the men that would rather get drunk every Friday night, then stay in and watch a movie even though his girlfriend doesn't drink.

It's the men that try to take off a women's clothes, even when she says no.

It's the men who hit a woman and tell them "It'll never happen again"

It's the men that degrade women in their "jokes".

It's the men that tell you that you don't matter. Your beliefs are a joke.

It's the men that make you feel powerless.

I could go on.

But before I go any further, I'd just like to say that I know all men are not like this. There are good men in the world. I know a few myself.

I'd also like to say that either myself or one of my close friends has been a victim to everyone of those points. These things actually happen.

It's terrible. It's terrible to go through, and it's terrible to watch someone go through. But what is even worse is when you have to convince that woman that those things should not be happening.

It is so hard to tell someone going through this that they need to break up with that person. It is devastating when you have to convince someone that those things are abuse, and are not normal. It's hard to pick up the pieces. To convince someone that they are WORTH IT. That they are BEAUTIFUL and STRONG and DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER.

But that is the truth.

So I beg you, if you happen to read this and any one of those things are happening to you, please, get help. If you know someone who this is happening to, get help. We are worth more than this, we deserve better than this. I know, more than anyone it's hard to believe sometimes, but try to remember this.

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